Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire
Warning: These stories contain adult themes and may offend some people.
Skip to: Aragorn Part 1, Part 2 | Legolas Part 1, Part 2 | Boromir | Frodo | Samwise | Merry | Pippin | Gandalf | Gimli | Arwen | Elrond
| Gollum | Sauron | Saruman the White | Theoden | Ringwraith No. 5
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 1
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty
miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.
Stuck on mountain
with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble
update: I look rugged and manly.
Keep wanting to
drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines
Not King today either.
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble
update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive.
Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind
of a turn-off.
Still not King.
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me.
Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing
in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.
Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer.
Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very
Not so sure about Gimli either.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I
was. Might however have been blood loss.
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him.
God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure
about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 2
Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli
looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not
Stubble update: satisfactory.
into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey
answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted
rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously
copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were
Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead
Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'
Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was
forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the
Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat
In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude.
He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm
lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh?
Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at
Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and
Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame
her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.
Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen
but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite
sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad
jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.
Stubble update: wet.
Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to
be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by
Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late"
or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which.
Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.
Still not King but too
busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake,
Standing on battlements of Helm's
Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding
anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.
Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful
warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will
die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!"
about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows
do not match his weave.
Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli
following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.
Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but
celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of
himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing
a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:
Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v.
bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we
spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.
Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the
middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, SON
OF WEENUS Part 1
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person
there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw
ring into volcano.
Very important mission - gold ring so
irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate
time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy human who cannot walk on snow
insisted we climb back down.
Am definitely prettiest member of the
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.
Orcs so silly.
Still the prettiest.
fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on
my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for
500 years or more.
Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.
Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel
may be prettier than me.
Also, am quite sure she copied my
hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago.
Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain
to take a nice bubble bath.
I choose to ignore her claim that my
hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in
800 years, why would it start now?
Still prettiest by
All this paddling about
in boats is hell on my complexion.
Aragorn obviously starting to
find Frodo strangely attractive.
Sam will kill him if he tries
Still the prettiest.
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted
myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a
butt like granite.
Have been getting very strange letters from
someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away
see her coming.
Very messy death, most unnecessary.
Did get kissed by Aragorn as
he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here
to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me.
Cannot understand it.
Am feeling a pout coming on.
Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other,
rather cute really.
Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He
is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and
big helmet most offputting.
Forsee dark times ahead, very dark
THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS Part 2
Day One: Whee!
Day Two: I like to run!
I look good when I run!
Day Four: I also look good standing
still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just
gotten firmer. Is that even possible?
Day Six: Is Gimli staring at
Day Seven: No wonder he's always lagging
Day Eight: Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer.
Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he
looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries
it on with my dwarf.
Am still the prettiest.
Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and
went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks
kinky hobbit games so important.
Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.
prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.
Day Eleven: Bumped
into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow
to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The
Balrog." So not worth it.
Am rethinking, though. Roots are
Still prettiest although at this rate for how
Day Twelve: Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said
I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he
wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.
Note to self: never
Day Fifteen: Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect
Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens
were more hefty, pear-shaped types.
Not the prettiest! V.
Day Nineteen: Aragorn stood up to Theoden today.
Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.
Day Twenty: Poke bonnet
absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering
Day Twenty-seven: Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of
Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have
to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!
Day Twenty-nine: Aragorn
back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have
thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me
on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped
sometimes but just put some lotion on it."
Aragorn just kind of a
Day Twenty-Nine: Battle of Helm's Deep so
embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of
smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by
Haldir showing up with really bad weave.
On plus side, Eowyn stuck in
rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest
Day Thirty Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late
it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over
postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill
Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.
Sod him. Have
received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of
Riddermark is actually true.
No one has bothered to get Eowyn out of
cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!
VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR
Went to Council of
Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual.
He thinks he's so great
because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side.
I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an
outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....
Got distracted there for a bit.
Seem to have
agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up,
but Aragorn made me give it back.
Arrogant bastard. Wonder
how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his...
Is obvious that
Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
Ha Ha! Ha!
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back
"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up
"Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while
he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."
Aragorn into me ?
Frodo out of Mines of Moria.
Kind of liked it, actually.
Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir.
Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are
cute little things, too...
In other news, Gandalf
In Lothlorien. Galadriel
quite a babe. Feel sure she was
attracted to my rugged yet unwashed
Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble.
Ha. Ha. Big elfy git.
Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also,
he has spot on his nose.
Aragorn suggested we take baths as well.
Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other.
Day 33 :
all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at
admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.
Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have
a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the
Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!
Killed by orcs.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO
Feeling much better in House of
Elrond after nice long nap.
Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble
bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.
entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has
something to do with Elf medicine.
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad
Aragorn and Boromir had
big fight over who got to carry me up
Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved
Boromir into snowbank.
Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must
be affecting them more seriously than I thought.
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my
He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his
Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
It must truly be an object of awesome power.
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can
do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show.
if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.
Finally feel rested. Is too dark in
Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing
Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat
Day 27 :
Lothlorien so pretty.
Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No,
there's something else I'd rather have from you,Frodo Baggins," and
trying to slide foot up inside my breeches.
So, gave her
my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of
Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.
Day 30 :
Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin
offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned
friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them.
Although did not
need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts.
Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?
Day 33 :
Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not
entirely certain, but am
fairly sure he also tried to have a little
unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.
Day 36 :
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope.
Off to Mordor.
Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to
have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.
Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli.
Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on.
Ah, well, he never would have
liked me anyway.
SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE
stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried.
Told Pippin it would
be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.
Did I say that
Have followed Mr.
Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him.
Gandalf told me to
help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes
off him and gave him a bath. and another one.
him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough,
Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since
the Second Age.
Wonder if it
is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.
Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.
Gandalf no fun at all.
Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned
as to why his fingers are all wrinkled.
Decided not to tell
him about all the baths.
Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor.
Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!
Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.
Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy
if you ask me.
Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and
Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia.
hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.
Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir.
Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo.
Will kill him if he tries anything.
V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used
flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr.
Frodo in the dark.
Gandalf fell into bottomless pit.
Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but did not
understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in wordily ways.
Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.
Lothlorien v. pretty.
Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and
Told Pippin height difference
would make relationship impossible.
Pippin said Mr. Frodo
could stand on stilts.
Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.
Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere
water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as
get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.
Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr.Frodo.
Got shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of
Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and
bring down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we.
Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs
good for something.
Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along,
Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to
say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure
he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's
We will see about that.
SECRET DIARY OF MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK
Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf
not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys
wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when 'washing dishes'
punishment followed by 'polishing Gandalf's staff' punishment and ?'massaging
Gandalf's feet' punishment and 'nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch' punishment,
I mean, who's he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot
V. promising start to day when
discovered carrot that was just right shape. Even more promising when Pippin
nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and three ears corn, although cannot
help but think Pippin being slightly over-optimistic. I mean, could probably
manage two ears corn, but not before breakfast.
All went downhill though
when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough trade, whoops, loyal manservant
Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam,
who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin down a cliff. In ensuing scuffle
carrot was broken. Am v. sad.
country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by overdressed and v.
crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As told Gandalf 'The Gray'
earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo avoiding bad
breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the rage up in Hobbiton
currently, although would not go in for that sort of thing myself.
Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in
Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously
pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed
in his room instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung
about all night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets.
Didn't happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippin?s belt to
prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have death
wish, or what?
Was woken up most unpleasantly as
was being tickled by hobbit-fancying human. Told him to sod off and he said
'That's not what you said last night.' After moment of confusion realized he
thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed, after
explaining, 'I'm really meant to be King, you know.' Sure he is, and I'm the Elf
Queen of Mirkwood.
In Rivendell. Have been stuck
sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and strawberry
soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last night only to discover Elrond
had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much embarrassment after
realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to
invest in name tag.
Have fixed carrot with
special elf glue. Go me!
Have agreed to go on
Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as
Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries
Hope he tries something.
Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle,
always dropping sword down trousers and asking us 'little ones' to come and get
it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo's hair today and Aragorn almost snicked
off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning
exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what
will do when run out of vegetables.
Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old
'Horn of Gondor' trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this
Am in bad mood. Boromir called me
'Pippin' at most inopportune time. Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that
we have been conducting meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just
laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin
either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters
of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some
Got mohawk but no one can see it as
is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke
up to discover Legolas sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin.
Legolas said, 'Not much difference really, eh?' In ensuing scuffle broke my
carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, 'Fool of a Took! I have
better things to do than mend your vegetables.' Did not correct Gandalf, as am
afraid of pointy hat.
Gandalf fell into
shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to comfort Pippin, but
Pippin far more cheered by Legolas' nude rendition of Silmarillion: The
Musical. Could not watch myself - far too many high kicks.
In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves
and a woodchuck last night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere
to be found, probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck
awfully persistent. Perhaps? no, certainly not.
Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have
to shag our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes
I meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition,
orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow
target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a v. good day.
SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRINE TOOK
Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a
nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by Sam.
Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar and
Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot.
After he found one that was just the right shape, too.
V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly
sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking me for
unusually lifelike lawn ornament.
Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas seems a bit
testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I admitted he was the
prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like pointing out he was only elf
in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.
been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed his hair. Is
really starting to bother me.
Sam all wrong about
Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a walk with him tonight and
said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor. Can't wait.
Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to
summon armies of the West?
V. educational, all
V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort
of a relief as means Boromir cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is
insensitive, stuck up git with hobbit fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you
ask me. Aragorn obviously way into Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries
Caught Legolas waxing soles of
Aragorn's boots, thus explaining why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms.
Aragorn still hasn't washed his hair.
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship,
Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from Silmarillion: The
Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to have 3,000-year-old
elf prince sulk.
Lothlorien v. pretty.
Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now understand what Gandalf meant
about there being scarier things than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under
all the bubbles? May have nightmares for weeks.
Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.
Maybe it really was him
under all the bubbles.
Boromir wrote me a poem.
Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, Merry also says I cry like a girl.
Merry a total bastard most of the time, actually.
Poem not very good. Did
not rhyme. Feel slighted.
Told Boromir I did
not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself shot by Orcs. Honestly.
Humans so oversensitive sometimes.
Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not
very friendly types. Merry says we may have to shag our way out of captivity.
Suspect Merry looking forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY
In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or
was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came
Bilbo's Birthday party improved by
substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho
pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.
Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some
Went to Saruman for advice about Ring
but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo.
Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.
Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting
sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the
Day Fourteen :
Visited again by Saruman who tried to
grab a feel. As if!
Day Sixteen :
Am lonely. Saruman maybe
not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and
huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I might have figured out he was
Day Nineteen :
Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam
slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elves all out of
strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.
Day Twenty :
Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to
get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go
with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.
Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will
kill him if he tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha,
Mister Gandalf, you're not serious." Useless git.
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to
carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on
top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.
Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still
angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still
Fell into shadow. Balrog such a
prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the
caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story
about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite
unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does
not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with
SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI SON OF GLOIN
Faffing about in Rivendell
with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to
second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight
of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with
strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in
on hobbits again this morning. What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred
bunch of halfwits, no wonder they can?t even grow decent beards.
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier.
Completely ignoring hottie elf fianc?e in favor of barging about with
hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am
here to take care of her loneliness.
Elf women just
the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!
Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son
of Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely
hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about ?our
V. cold on top of
Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not
participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right.
Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his trousers.
That?s right, Isildur?s Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these
In Mines of Moria. May have
made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at
least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while
since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to
keep track of everything.
into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered
manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my
solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking
about if not.
Legolas told me Aragorn is
way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas
that we might want a leader who is less of a lech. Legolas then asked if I
wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry
about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit
In Lothlorien. Galadriel
quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn,
had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the
Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly
Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell
difference with elves.
Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not
so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo
without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will
see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for
warrior-bonds between men.
SECRET DIARY OF ARWEN UNDOMIEL
Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay
pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine's Day when I specifically requested a
nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.
and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up
in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other
humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever
since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying
his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.
Someone's been trying on my dresses again. They are all
stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.
Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my
dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What
Legolas still sulking. Says other
elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no
longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him
'the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike' at last Council meeting. Or
maybe he just didn?t understand it; he's awfully pretty, but not so bright.
Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave
Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.
Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in
Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!
Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately.
Barliman said, 'What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?' Told him he must be thinking
of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, 'The Still Not King guy, right?' Did
not respond; some people don't deserve my conversation.
Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never
really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and
prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.
Doesn't he ever wash his hair when I'm not
Is official. Aragorn a complete
pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will
kill him if he tries anything.
while he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how was possible to
kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band.
Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn's direction... alas no dice.
'But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!'
hobbit, I've no patience at all.
decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat
when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by
hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.
Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him.
am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: 'Aloof, unavailable elf
princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess.' Especially cannot believe am getting
all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.
Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.
Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is
always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits?
quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.
Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing
- all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing - all out of strawberry scented bath
bubbles. Legolas fussing - will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will
not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in
haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of
course not, he is so obviously an autumn.
Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty
before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He
told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to
build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: 'You are Isildur's heir, not
Isildur himself.' To which he replied, 'If only you were a bit shorter, and had
Spent quite the night with Gimli.
Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all
the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give
Frodo his bath. After all, I didn?t filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn?s
pocket for nothing.
SECRET DIARY OF ELROND
with Isildur. As if the pervy hobbit-fancying wasn't bad enough, he
would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry against my advice. Confirms my
suspicions that humans not just weakest race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot
accessorize worth a damn.
NB: Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated.
Plundered Barad-dur but notable lack of pretty things to take home.
Sauron's decorating tastes definitely running towards black, knobbly,
tattered look. So not me.
Isildur set upon by orcs
and killed. Told him his poor dress sense would attract all the wrong sorts.
So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold
council meeting and name it after myself. Will invite all eligible males
of Middle-Earth who have nothing better to do on a weekend to come. Go
Hope Legolas does not attend; still remember party in Second Age
where he disappeared mysteriously, along with two gallons of my favorite
strawberry bath suds, a bottle of olive oil, and three of those
tiny hobbit creatures from the Shire Isildur was so strangely fond
Drat. Legolas first one to RSVP to my
party invitation. Wish he would not use scented pink stationary as makes
me sneeze. Did however offer to bring game of Twister to play. Along with
disco ball I borrowed from Sauron back in First Age, should make for quite
Unexpected surprise as Gandalf
stopped by, apparently just to have a whinge about big fight he had
with Saruman. Tuned him out -- do I look like an Agony
Aunt? Why does
everyone come to me with problems?
does not like Twister idea and has rejected my suggestion of a polka music
theme for the Council. Instead insists we sit around and talk about
boring old fate of Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil, blah blah blah.
Don't see why we all have to suffer just because Isildur couldn't give up his
Gandalf made me return disco
ball to Sauron. Told me to sort out my priorities. He should talk -- he's
the one who attracted a crowd this afternoon with that pointy hat trick he
likes to do. Glorfindel so horrified by pointy hat trick he would not
stop sobbing spasmodically until was calmed by liberal application of
hobbit weed. New generation of elves such wimps.
Everyone finally arrived for party -- oh wait, I mean boring-ass
Secret Council Meeting. Ponced off myself to have a sulk, and bumped into
smallest hobbit hanging about the greensward. Took him for inanimate lawn
ornament at first, but soon was furnished with proof that he was very much
alive. Says his name is Pippin. Perhaps Isildur was onto something with
all those hobbits after all.
who's been using all my strawberry bath
Aragorn, judging by the state of *his* hair.
Loud giggly splashy noises emanating from first
floor bathroom. No one can get in. Legolas practicing his nancing in the
meeting hall, Boromir hanging about the shards of Narsil, obviously hoping
Aragorn will show up, and Gandalf still breaking in new pointy hat. Tried
to have a quiet think in the garden only to discover someone had dug up all
the carrots. Is there no peace to be had?
Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if she
does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara.
better on me anyway.
Council very boring. Got
to say "DOOM" a few times in v. dramatic voice but am afraid
Ringbearer was not impressed as was busy fending off advances of
who was making all sorts of suggestive sword comments. He better watch it.
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Tried to cheer self up by
trying on favorite purple dress of Arwen's, but am fairly sure someone
was watching as could hear tittering noise coming from broom closet. Do
not see what is so funny -- purple dress looks fabulous on me.
Fellowship leaving tomorrow. Decided to give
Pippin goodbye tour of Rivendell. In process, purple dress got all
stretched out of shape. Hope Arwen does not notice -- she gets so grabby
about her things, and since they've closed the Gap of Rohan, probably no
way to get another dress like it.
Pippin told me purple is so
my color. Go me!
SECRET DIARY OF GOLLUM
Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in
Misty Mountains only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron.
Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur.
Have been forced to watch 'Flipper' over and over until give in and tell them
where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined over millennia. Will not
give in. Will remain strong.
Orcs have switched to
repeat viewings of 'The Faculty.' Cannot cope. Have told them where Ring
Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire.
Am v. disappointed that in last few weeks no one has responded to personal ad
placed in Shire Weekly. 'Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed
curly-headed hobbit. Must enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and
referring to self in third person. No smokers.'
Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near
him as is constantly being half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and
have developed fear of water since being forced to watch dolphin movie 300
Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries.
Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise
unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Glorfindel, where was
trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwen's dresses in front of mirror,
while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest after all. Miss
days of yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves, and elves wore
trousers. Although something to be said for Legolas' boots-and-skirt
Left Rivendell, following
Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling him purple does not suit his
complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all the way to Gap of
Cannot believe men still using hoary
old 'Blow the Horn of Gondor' pickup line. Remember when original plans to have
Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by Steward in favor of silly-looking horn. Now know
Too bad for Isildur's Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits
have expressed no interest in his stubble collection) since he obviously fancies
Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up
mountain. Nobody wants to carry me up mountain.
Stowed away in
Legolas' backpack but excessive nancing was not good for stomach. Have been sick
all over elf collection of hair care products. Hope he does not
Day Thirty One
V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for
ogling. Have been following sounds of Legolas complaining loudly about state of
his backpack and dank air of Moria being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in
his hair while he wasn?t looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has
Day Thirty Three
Met up with Balrog in nattily
decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog v. mopey. Still carrying torch for
Gandalf. Told him best course of action was to try to talk it out, explain to
Gandalf that while they are two extremely different people, with value systems
and lifestyles that are in complete opposition to each other's, romance not
ruled out. Balrog said this sounded like meaningless New Age claptrap. Told
Balrog to get out of Second Age, start living in the now.
Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped,
resulting in gory death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after
Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever
wants to cuddle me, just because am misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair.
Gimli no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from Boromir anyway.
Day Thirty Six
In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure
Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from Ringbearer by placing carrots around
was foiled when Legolas found carrots and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn
told him was embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch.
Legolas complained he is not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn?t
exactly getting any older, either.
Day Thirty Nine
hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. Perhaps after
bite off his finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having dinner with me.
Will just have to figure out how to get around Sam first.
SECRET DIARY OF SAURON
weekend with Elrond turned sour when I told him purple was not his
Have been marched against by last alliance
of men and nancing elves. Is transparent attempt by Elrond to get back at me for
comment about purple. I will not take it back! I told him purple made him look
like an eggplant, and it does. Is no need for him to get so shirty about
Is not that being defeated by last
alliance is so bad, is not even that being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is
so bad, although Visine would be a comfort. But whose bright idea was it to
slice onions in here?
Blast those orcs and their
fondness for onion dip. Have taken their disco ball away. God, it's fun to be
Day Three Million Five:
Am bored. Have been
waiting for Middle-Earthlink guy to come and install DSL in Barad-Dur since
second-age. Will use palantir as alternative to personal ads, as am
Day Three Million Seven:
I spy with my
big-huge-nasty-flaming eye...something resembling a novelty dashboard ornament.
Witch King of Angmar tells me it's a hobbit. Is rather cute. On the smallish
side, but I'm hardly one to talk appearances these days.
ARGH! That tiny bloke has MY RING!
Have sent the nine to fetch ring back. If nine succeeds in sorting
their elbows from asshats, that is.
Day Three Million
Have met v. nice bloke over the palantir. An older gent,
seems to have copied hairstyle from Galadriel, but no matter. He likes me for
me. Finally someone to see past the eyeball. Will send him packet of glittery
Day Three Million Thirteen:
Tried to ask Saruman
over for dinner, but lost nerve at last moment and said some idiotic thing about
building an army instead. Is somewhat amusing watching him play violin for orcs
and goblin men in attempt to spark romance, so will not clear up confusion just
Day Three Million Sixteen:
Wonder if Saruman becoming
somewhat deaf? Told him I was hoping we could delineate boundaries of
relationship, instead he defoliated Isengard.
Day Three Million
Some bearded tart with pointy hat trying to horn in on my
action. Hmmm. Ex-boyfriend?
Think Saruman may have put him in guest
bedroom. Will have to ask S. to clarify.
Day Three Million
Elrond having another of his disastrous parties. Why was
Just because have no body and cannot play twister with Legolas
is no reason to snub me.
Day Three Million
Have been watching Fellowship through palantir.
Ringbearer really v. pretty, I must admit, with big soulful eyes and little
hairy feet. What I wouldn't give for a body and a shower-cap right now. Although
bath-obsessed hobbit companion would probably kill me if I tried
Day Three Million Twenty-Three:
bored, so caught up on palantir-watching today. Lovely place, Moria, used to
vacation there. Pointy-hatted ex-bf seemed nervous; sent word to Bob to keep an
eye out. I mean a look out. I mean... oh bugger.
Day Three Million
No word back from Bob. Suspect he is moping. Never could
sort out his love life. Always whining and writing in his journal. Bloody
sensitive demon types, no use at all.
Day Three Million
Pointy hatted ex fell into shadow. Down with the
competition! Ringbearer moping. Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn might like to
have a go at cheering him up. Apparently something of a pervy hobbit-fancier. So
that?s why the blood of Numenor died out.
Day Three Million
Fellowship in Lothlorien. Oh god, Galadriel Galadriel
Galadriel. It's always about HER. Paint my toenails, Sauron. Don't touch my
hair, Sauron. I want a pretty ring, Sauron. Then she goes off with slabbish oaf
Celeborn. Bet HE cannot forge twenty rings of Power.
fight brewing between Galadriel and Legolas as to which of them can nance around
better while holding water pitcher. Cannot help but roll my eye over this. Time
to toss some Jiffy Pop into Mount Doom and watch the fireworks.
Well, would you look at that dwarf getting it on with Celeborn. I
tell you, three Million years on Middle-Earth and some things still surprise
Day Three Million Twenty-Nine:
Finally some decent
fighting. Orcs killed : four hundred, v. bad. Humans killed : one. Go
Is it just me, or is Aragorn son of Arathorn kinda
Maybe is just me.
The Very Secret Diary of Saruman the White
Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.
Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.
Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.
Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.
Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.
Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.
Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could ! taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.
All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.
Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb.
Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother, that's Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then theree's a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf.
What a bunch of yobbos.
Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerlea! ders to create super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.
Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the slime.
If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?
Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that "Gondor" sounds just like "gonad" and they should f! ind less silly name? Perhaps it is just me.
Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir convinced smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed so hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.
The Very Secret Diary of Theoden
Co-written with lorax523, who
is, as always, in inspiration to me in all things.
Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety
Minute Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive
in ninety minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc
if had one, so do hope minion arrives on time.
minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then
again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like
Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with
Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh
Is that a grey hair?
New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and
youthful, instead resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead
Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn
quite smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told
her - pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male
Why has no one noticed I now resemble a
weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. "I want
a party. I want a pony." Have banished him from Rohan for
Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am
now quite taken with new look, as is so alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on
throne all day in peace. Much needed vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome
Vacation over. Gandalf arrived
sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf no fun. Cannot abide anyone
else having new and daring look. Prima Donna!
Brought along three boy
toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked bodyguards totally whupped by
tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp. Obviously, need better
Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn "No
Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell over cliff, thus avoiding sticking
around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.
Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.
Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead
after all. Apparently, absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way.
Morale of men not improved by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through
side door. Have misdirected him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not
getting away from this, neither is he. Is all his fault anyway.
sure how, but it is.
Where is the horse and
the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my favorite
Day Thirteen, Later
Losing battle spectacularly.
Who is surprised? Not me.
self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable
Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most
attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on
him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First
one who snaps his garter gets to snog Legolas.
Who wields the flame of
Arnor now, you poncy tosser?
The Very Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5
This one is dedicated to Jeff. Being as these diaries were originally
concieved of as a way to get him to stop reading my Live Journal, I'd say it's
all down to him, really. Go Jeff. :D I couldn't have done it without you.
Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty,
pretty, pretty, pretty ring!
Got box of
chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per usual, Sauron ate
all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I detest this life of vile
in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v. annoying as Orcs
only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul for a
triple word score. Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him
applying ceremonial sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has
body back and can really dress up again.
Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been
given orders to sally forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit
friend, who have somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring.
Witch-King of Angmar’s
suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on milk cartons and wait for calls
to come in was ignored.
Have been given
brand spanking new horse.
Not for spanking, of course.
minus side, still disembodied.
V. close to
nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of giggles while
observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three “companions.”
Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty
lower lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude.
up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in Bree. V. much
looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.
Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs.
Generations of pervy Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has
Hobbit-napped the Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve
goals set by Sauron, spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v.
Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle
Killed: 17 human men. Go us!
been following Isildur’s heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.
obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop.
Aragorn went all wonky and possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did
try to kill me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan
until later on.
Met she-elf girlfriend of
Isildur’s Heir today. Was so busy laughing at concept of Aragorn the Hobbit
Fancier having “girlfriend” that inconveniently got washed away in stream.
Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling.
that kind of oiling.
Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren’t you, what?