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V Graham Norton Show Transcript October 31, 2003
transcribed by Lucy, screencaps by Lucy

Graham Norton: …Now, actually, I like it best when they dress up as a character from my favourite films. Like that dishy Legolas in Lord of the Rings, or Will Turner in Pirates of the Caribbean. I think I hear knocking again. And my wish has come true, ladies and gentlemen it's Orlando Bloom! 

[Orlando enters]

Graham: Well done you sir, very good!

[Orlando helps Graham out of costume] It's Orlando everyone! [Orlando waves and sits down]

Orlando: [to someone in audience] Nice hat!

Graham: You’re excited (not sure if this was right difficult to catch) out there now aren’t you? Woo, tell you! Ooh, no trick, just a treat! Just a Halloween treat! [to Orlando] How are you?

Orlando: Good man, how are you?

Graham: I’m really well, really really well. Now, er, so, now, I’m so pleased you’re here because how the God are you? You work, I thought I worked a lot. You work all the time.

Orlando: I know I’m such a lucky boy aren’t I?

Graham: You, well, lucky, but I mean are you thinking, because presumably at the beginning you are thinking “God I’m really lucky, I’m just gonna keep going” –

Orlando: I’m still thinking that actually.

Graham: Oh really?

Orlando: Yeah. [laughs]

Graham: And of course, also, you’ve got this weird thing where for the last three years you’ve just had the biggest film in the world coming out –

Orlando:  I know.

Graham: …without kind of, doing very much.

Orlando: Well, having done three years of light work! [laughs]

Graham: Well yes, ok, it took a long time.

Orlando: Yeah yeah. No, it’s like Christmas every year for the last three years which has been great.

Graham: In the last one, is Legolas, because in the middle one you had loads to do. It was like, you know, it was –

Orlando: Did I?

Graham: Yeah

Orlando: Yeah

Graham: Seems like you were in a lot.

Orlando: I did, didn’t I? I suppose. I had nice bits. Legolas is kind of that guy who just, sort of, its more in what he does than what he says, you know? And, its, I think the last third of any movie is always the most exciting to me, you know its sort of, its sort of the conclusion of the whole tale. And I have a, I have some nice moments. Pete really loved the, um, the response that the audience gave to sliding down the stairs on the Uruk Hai shield, or flipping up onto the horse –

Graham: Yeah.

Orlando: And um, so he came up with something that which was basically gonna top all of that. And he said it to me, he was like, he was like “Alright son, wait for this one!” And, er, and I went out for three days of re-shoots and basically, was just hanging on wires, and climbing up thing and swinging around. So it's gonna be quite an extravagant thing because by the time they’ve cut me swinging on ropes and flying all over the place in with the special effects that they do really well for, at WETA digital, which is Peter’s company, it will be, it will be killer. Well, I hope. I think, I’m sure. [crosses fingers]

Graham: Oh we know its going to be!

Orlando: Yeah!

Graham: Wouldn’t it an awful shock if “Oh the first two were great-oh this one’s really bad!”

[audience laugh]

Orlando: What a let down!

Graham: No it won’t!

Orlando: No it won’t happen.

Graham: Now, did you ever finish the book?

Orlando: Of course! Yeah. Yeah yeah. I read it –

Graham: Did you?

Orlando: Yeah. It was funny, I read it when I was a kid, but I didn’t get through it when I was a kid, but obviously when I got cast in the role I was like “I gotta read the book!” And it's killer, I mean it’s a great book to read, but it's one of those –

Graham: Is it?

Orlando: It's sort of one of those books you can read over a summer holiday…

[Graham pulls doubtful face and audience laugh]

Orlando: When you’ve got nothing, when you’re at your Grandparents or something.

Graham: Ok.

Orlando: No, it's good, it's good. I mean, it's not for everyone but it's, it’s a world you can really get lost in.

[Graham pulls face again, Orlando laughs]

Orlando: Maybe not your cup of tea!

Graham: I’m liking the films!

Orlando: [laughs] Yeah, yeah. Viggo particularly, yeah!

Graham: No, not at all! Except, now, have you all seen the second one?

Audience: Yeah

Graham: Now, am I the only one who couldn’t understand a f*ing word that tree said?

[All laugh]

Graham: Not a word!

Orlando: It’s a tree! What do you expect?

Graham: A little diction – [cuts off] Now, look at you. Magazines, magazines…

Orlando: Oh no, you’re not going to pull out some of them.

Graham: No, you are, no not…what?

Orlando: Magazines?

Graham: Are there magazines I could find?

[Orlando laughs]

Graham: We didn’t find ‘em! No, you’re in Cosmo Girl, that isn’t you obviously, I don’t know who that is. Who is that?

Orlando: Who is that?

Graham: Who is that? Anyone know who that is?

[No response, then some laughter]

Orlando: Well, it wasn’t me! [laughs]

Graham: Oh is it? Is he from Busted? Oh, I think you’re right actually, I think yes, because this was the shock right, in the 101 most wanted, right, it goes, that man from Busted, right, is number one.

[laughter]

Graham: Ok, you can sort of see it…

Orlando: Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, he seems like a nice bloke.

Graham: That’s number two. That man from Busted. You can sort of see it, right. Now, number four, is you. Number four is you. There you are.

[Audience cheers, whistles and claps when Graham shows a poster of Orlando]

Orlando: Ooh [raises eyebrow]

Graham: Ooh! And therefore –

Orlando: Pirate smile.

Graham: And therefore, slightly unlikely that number three, was, that one from Busted!

[Audience laugh, Orlando laughs a little as Graham pulls a funny face]

Orlando: Awe, bless.

Graham: No disrespect! Er, it is Halloween, this very night, ‘tis Halloween. If you haven’t done your pumpkin yet, we’ve got a website which has some fantastic suggestions for how to do your pumpkin.  The site is called extreme pumpkins and these are good! You can see them down there on the screen.

[shows various carved pumpkins]

Graham: Now, the thing is, scariness, scariness, scariness is in the air –

Orlando: Halloween!

Graham: Halloween! Do you do anything for Halloween? No.

Orlando: I’ve never, yeah, I mean, trick or treating maybe when I was a kid…

Graham: Make a horror film!

Orlando: Yeah! Watch a scary movie.

Graham: Do you, no nothing.

Orlando: I haven’t really, I mean, when I was a kid a little bit, but not really. In America they’re huge on it.

Graham: Ooh yes! Ooh, now talking about being a kid, the last time you were here you had your mum with you…

Orlando: Yeah…

Graham: Do you, you brought her to parties, you’ve flown her out to see Brad Pitt and everything.

Orlando: Yeah…

Graham: Do you bring your mum with you everywhere still?

Orlando: She sort of comes along whenever she can and stuff, yeah, she loves it.

Graham: Well, I’m sure that’s very well that she loves it, but kind of…cramps your style a bit, kind of. This is my mother….

Orlando: Yeah…and this is my mum! Yeah, I know, it probably does a bit, doesn’t it?

Graham: I mean she seems a nice lady –

Orlando: Yeah, she is, no she’s not there when I like…you know…

Graham: All right steady!

[Orlando laughs]

Graham: That’s creepy!

Orlando: When anything important is happening.

Graham: Ok. Well, with it being Halloween…

Orlando: Talking of scary things!

Graham: We’re going to play, a scary little game now, its over here, so come with me as we play: Hammy House of Horror.

[Play game with audience and a haunted house]

Graham: Welcome back! I’m here with Mr. Orlando Bloom! Yes I am! Now, er, I have to say, I’ve got it written on a card, erm, the first time, because this is the third time you’ve been on the show –

Orlando: I have, I’m going to grow old watching the Graham Norton show, my progression over the years! Old and grey!

Graham: I know, this is the closest to dating I get! [Orlando laughs] You’ve been on three times! I saw a man three times once! So, the first time you were on: 29 thousand websites dedicated to you. And we were all like “Oh my Goodness!” Last time you were on, that had grown to 370 thousand. Right.

Orlando: Wow…

Graham: I’m here to tell you now, there are 1 million, 10 thousand.

[Audience cheer, Orlando looks very shocked, then covers his eyes]

Graham: I feel like I’m reading the total for comic relief! [Orlando giggles] Lets check the total now! Isn’t that weird?

Orlando: That’s a…(not sure what he says, sounds like trip!)

Graham: But your mum checks them all out, doesn’t she?

Orlando: All million of them, yeah (!) All of them, wow.

Graham: She’s there.

Orlando: She’s probably setting them all up! How hard is it to set up a website anyway?

Graham: I guess, well I don’t mean to be rude, but we’re guessing, not that hard! [points to card as evidence]

Orlando: Obviously! No really?

Graham: Well, no, there can’t be 1 million incredibly clever web…

Orlando: People…doing that

Graham: Geniuses doing that. Now this one is called In Bloom, Orlando in Bloom.

Orlando: That makes me really nervous…

Graham: So anyway, basically, the topic was: I met Orlando at a party last year, right.

[begins to read the message board]

[one fan has written:] I met Orlando at a party last year. He was sooo checkin me out. I’m sick of u guys making out you have a chance…I know I’m going to get him

[Orlando starts laughing very hard!]

Graham: And then it goes:

[another fan] Whatever loser. Orlando don’t deal with shmucks. He bought me a Sex on the Beach cocktail in LA. Nice cocktail!!!!!!!

[another fan] Sex on the beach whateverrrrr….and then you WOKE up.

[Orlando still laughing and clapping hands]

Graham: And then it goes:

[fan] U 2 r so sad you don’t know Orlando, I do, u r mingers

[Orlando does strange giggle]

Graham: And then

[first person] Ok lets do a test, if you are Orlando’s girl then tell me what is his favourite vegetable? Answer now or admit you are a fake.

[fan responds] Eat shit Jessica, its carrot.

[Orlando starts laughing again]

Graham: And then:

[next response] You fake, you fake. I read in an interview that Orlando likes Broccoli best, u r a loser u do not know Orlando eat shit and die!!!!!!

[Graham looks slightly worriedly at Orlando, who shakes his head]

Orlando: Shall I leave now?

Graham: What is your favourite vegetable? [Orlando giggles] We have to know now!

Orlando: Erm…I’m partial to a bit of spinach actually…

Graham: Spinach?

Orlando: Pirate! You know! I mean Popeye! [starts flexing muscles in arms, then rolls his eyes as he is not sure what he is doing]

Graham: I wondered what you were doing then!

Orlando: I don’t know! I’m a bit freaked out by the web interest.

Graham: [in funny voice] Yeah, you know nothing you’re a minger!

Orlando: It's brilliant.

Graham: No, it's sweet, it's sweet. [Orlando gives him funny look] And yet, I mean it's sweet for us, but for you…vaguely disturbing

Orlando: It's terrifying!

Graham: Now listen. In part one, we saw that people are often scared of the silliest things….like a hand in a glove. And one thing that seemed to bother everyone when they were younger, was that thing of what’s under the bed. So, now is the time to be very afraid. Because everyone has grown up, and we are about to have a look under the bed. You will understand more in a second, so come with me as we play: Rot lies beneath!

[Play the game, then reaches end of show]

Graham: Listen that’s it for tonight, thanks to my lovely guest Orlando Bloom!